


Barricade

by Adeadlymusician



Series: Disabuse [2]
Category: Persona 5
Genre: Alternative look at characters and character arcs, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bullying, Character Death Fix, Fix-It, For One Character Anyway, Free Verse Poetry (ish) and Prose, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, My English teacher would be proud, No half cadences, No half cadences Atlus, No sex or reference to it, Protagonist is called Akira, Purple Prose, Sojiro is referenced, Song Lyrics, Songfic, Stream of Consciousness, Terrible Parenting all around, The other phantom thieves do speak but do not interact directly with akira nor goro, don't worry it's nothing too radical, except sojiro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-11
Updated: 2018-04-11
Packaged: 2019-04-19 21:43:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14246364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adeadlymusician/pseuds/Adeadlymusician
Summary: The dust. The dirt. It stunk. It stuck to everything. The light, it gave me sheets. A room. A home. Coffee permeated. Loneliness invaded. I sighed, laying down.It... blinded me. The glasses didn't help. My body missed my old home. Missed the sand and the salty water that never judged. Never expected. Just was, nothing more.





	Barricade

**Author's Note:**

> This is a songfic. Credits will be in the end note. Try to guess which fandom the song is from. 
> 
> This is some kind of amalgamation of free verse poetry and prose. It's hard to read if you don't know the game well.
> 
> Note: Queer, before it turned into a slang term for the LGBT community, meant 'differing from what is usual or ordinary; odd; singular; strange.' This is important for reasons you will see below.

_Wouldn't it be nice to take a walk_  
_On some pure white sand_  
_Gaze at the horizon_  
_Without living in fear?_

 

I had stared for so long at the restaurants outside the orphanage. Families had congregated around the entrances, waiting to get in. Children had chattered excitedly, smiling brightly and expansively. Distinctly, I remember thinking: why couldn't we have food like that, which made your mouth water? Why _didn't_ we have food like that? Why _couldn't_ we have families like that, which were boisterous and happy? Love like that? Adoration like that?  **Health?**

My stomach had grumbled loudly, causing the older boys in the orphanage to tease and mock me. The silent tears ran down my face with vengeance. The kicks had bruised my exposed ribs, had torn at the cloth of skin upon my bones. It had hurt so profoundly, so much. The pain blossomed deep within the wounds and asphyxiated my heart.

What was next, from them? From the bullies? The adults? Everyone? Theft of food, abuse, neglect… again and again and again. Would this cycle ever stop? Ah, who am I kidding? This cycle will never stop. It never has, and never will.

 

* * *

 

 _Wouldn't it be sweet to watch the sun curve down_  
_Meet the waves?_  
_And taste the ocean spray_  
_And realize we've been living as slaves_

Abandonment. Betrayal. A stab to the heart. A coldness that made its home in bones. Pungent glares that rivaled Medusa's. Distrust that permeated the atmosphere in that prison of a crowd.

I saved someone. A woman. From assault. The man sued. The handcuffs burned me. Slaved me. The police car, the jail cell. The courtroom with the jury. The victim of the man and the smirking man. All of them, they glared. They silenced. They ordained. I cried.

My home. Gone. Just like that. A pink light, a man, grabbed me. Dragged me through hell. Somehow, we were alive. The light ushered me upstairs lightly. It was different. The crowd ordered aggressively, totally. **Absolutely.** He pushed almost with… affection? It cannot be. Not worth anything… not anymore.

The dust. The dirt. It stunk. It stuck to everything. The light, it gave me sheets. A room. A home. Coffee infiltrated. Loneliness invaded. I sighed, laying down.

It... blinded me. The glasses didn't help. My body missed my old home. Missed the sand and the salty water that never judged. Never expected. Just was, nothing more.

 

* * *

 

 _We've got to learn to get back, get back_  
_But is it worth the price of our soul?_  
_You know you had to kill her, kill her!_  
_Oh my dirty hands_  
_It never fades_

 

Not this again, my mind had protested. Tired, I was, and the scent of lingering blood from _her_ had done nothing to aid my state. It alerted me, awakened me to the sensation of crawling guilt and suffocating pain. Oh, the pain! It had flowed swiftly through my veins, like an accelerando. It wrapped around lungs, around veins, arteries, the heart. It had squeezed, without hesitation, taking delight in the squirms of agony.

Was this plan for revenge be all for naught? Would I even be able to enact this punishment, my revenge? Or would it fail, leaving nothing but a corpse behind? 

Red. It had been everywhere. On the briefcase, on the papers, the sheets, the pillow, the chair. It was in the cups, in the shower, the sink, the toothbrush, **the cafe.**

It had stalked, too. In reality, and it's opposite. As a result, no place had been safe. No place had given comfort. Not truly, anyways. And, most importantly, no place had given a soothing touch. Not to me, at least.

 

* * *

 

 _And if we get out, get out_  
_I'll think about the price of our soul_  
_We've got to learn to live free, live free_  
_We'll live a life without barricades_

 

Ryuji, injured. Kamoshida, glaring. Suffocation. Soldiers with armor crowding. Death was here, waiting. Lust made up the walls. I was paralyzed, unmoving. 

Powerless, Worthless, Injured, Criminal. Nothing I could do. We would both die, pitifully. In this castle of a tyrant. Did I really have to be so useless...

_Do you really think that way?_

Huh?

_Was saving the woman a mistake?_

No.

_Then why are you hesitating?_

Memories assaulted me. I cried, my head splitting open. A mask appeared. It tasted of **freedom.** I grabbed it. Ripped it off my face. Blood was everywhere. I didn't care.

_I am thou, thou art I…._

Power erupted. The king fled. The shadows attacked. They died. The boy stared with wonder. I laughed in delight. I was drowning in pleasure. Finally, I was not worthless. For once, not powerless. At last, not useless.

 

* * *

  

 _How long I haven't seen the light shine through_  
_In my life?_  
_Lost everything_  
_Family, confusion on the way_

 

The Phantom Thieves… A light they have been: A beam of light that has shone through the murky abyss and cleared the fog. The spry, sophisticated Skull. The playful, personable Panther. The meritorious, meticulous Mona. The fanatical, famished Fox. The queer, querulous Queen. The obsessive, observant Oracle. The noble, nebulous Noir. And finally, the jaunty, judicious Joker. All of them are so close. A tight-knitted group that smiled at each other, that laughed with each other. A kinship that yielded seamless teamwork, without the need for words. A _family_ that I am supposed to be a part of. If I live, in the end, will I still be among them? Would they judge me for the past, for Wakaba, for Okamura, for Father? Would they forgive me, after time has had the chance to heal?

Ah, who was I kidding? Why did I deserve anything, especially from them? If anything, they deserved a chance to make their peace and discard my sorry ass, like my mother did. Come to think of it, they reminded me of her, too. Nice, warm, loving, affectionate, and unassuming on one hand. Cruel, cold, hateful, antagonistic, and calculating on the other. However, the most damning part of all would be that they would **disappear** **.** Just like she had.

 

* * *

 

 _Someone tries to talk to me_  
_And signpost the righteous road_  
_My animal inside_  
_Can now be tamed to go over the wall_

 

Their voices spoke. All at once. All together. An onslaught of noise. Couldn't speak. Was going to be too late. Was too late! It cannot be! Please...

Don't do it Crow, stop, I forgive you, no more sacrifices, dangerous, stupid, _No;_  Joker, dude, why, _why_ , joker, oh my, please…

Surprise, Disbelief, Panic, Determination. Arsene. Power. A blast of rage and grief. The prolific scent of burning metal. Surprised eyes from all, especially from the Crow. Confused Shadows. **Dead** Shadows. Resonating gasps.

Relief, Tears, Sadness, Sympathy. I kneeled down. I couldn't see, blinded by relief. Hands clasped mine. Weak. He was weak. Not good. I healed. He lamented. I vowed. He pushed away. I vowed again, that I would never let him go. Never again. He didn't reply.

* * *

 

 _We've got to learn to get back, get back_  
_But is it worth the price of our soul?_  
_You know you had to kill her, kill her!_  
_Oh my dirty hands_  
_It never fades_

 

Oh, how the tears had fallen! Akira's shirt was slowly becoming soaked with my tears as I let go. I let go of everything: the mental shutdowns, the psychotic breakdowns, my mother _,_ _Shido_ _._ The scent of coffee and the feeling of strong arms comforted me, enveloping me completely in a blanket of safety. I was completely bare, emotionally naked, without any masks. Just myself and Akira.

His arms were sturdy yet soft. The warmth nestled in my cold heart and heated my very soul. It had been so long, _so long_ since someone had wanted me. Since someone had touched me and comforted me. Had loved me without condition or expectations. He clutched tighter. He almost seemed afraid,  _terrified,_ of letting me go. Like I would disappear if he didn't try hard enough…

I guess I almost did, didn't I? Disappear forever. I moved away slightly, pulling his head towards my shoulder. He stiffened, before relaxing, his head falling into my neck. His tears fell too, along with his fears. He feared loneliness and abandonment, something he already has experienced with his friends. My nose found its way into his hair, and **we** waited for our emotions to work themselves out/So we could **talk.**

* * *

 

 _And if we get out, get out_  
_I'll think about the price of our soul_  
_We've got to learn to live free, live free_  
_We'll live a life without barricades_

 

A bullet pierced Jaldaboath's skull. The Phantom Thieves watched as the corrupt god fell and died, ending close to nine months of suffering. Nobody said anything for a minute: The shock of victory had silenced them. However, Skull’s enthusiasm filled the void with cheerful relief. The others soon joined in, save for Goro and Akira.

The two wildcards stared at each other, smiling. Goro changed into Robin Hood's attire and ripped his mask off, the porcelain falling to the ground. Akira mirrored his movements and wasted no time: He enveloped Goro in a bone-crushing and painful hug, which was returned earnestly. Akira's grip was firm and urgent: in fact, his arms were so tightly wound around the older boy's torso that Goro knew the younger boy was in pain too. Goro mumbled something into Akira's chest: Akira’s grip loosened slightly.

“Yes?” Akira asked, his eyesight somewhat blurred. Goro smiled brightly, without reservations.

“Oh, it's nothing. I'm just glad to be here,” He said, somewhat bashfully. Akira’s eyes widened, his eyes softening considerably. Goro's heart fluttered at the sight.

“I can't tell you how happy I am that you are here, with me,” he whispered, the tears finally spilling down his face. Goro placed a hand on his cheek, massaging the skin and wiping away the tears. Akira nuzzled into the touch.

“Forever and always, Akira. Forever and always.”

**Author's Note:**

> The song is Barricade from Attack On Titan Season 2. It honestly fits this ship soooo muuucchhhhhhh. I know there are two more stanzas in the song, but they repeat the chorus so I did not feel the need to write them again.
> 
> Anyways, the song actually influenced how I wrote Akira and Goro. If you can figure it out, I will, like, buy you an equivalent of $100 in your favorite candy (or something). Maybe. When I get a decent job. Which will probably never happen.
> 
> As you can probably tell, this is not a direct continuation of "Yes, love." That is in the works but is not my current writing priority.


End file.
